Of Teaching and Kickassery
by Ayatsuji
Summary: In which Sasuke has a flamingly gay subconscious and somehow manages to trap himself in the Harry Potter world where he is twinkled into teaching History of Magic. And the rest, as they say, is history. ...it's a Harry Potter crossover.
1. Chapter 1

**Summary:** In which Sasuke has a flamingly gay subconscious and somehow manages to trap himself in the Harry Potter world where he is twinkled into teaching History of Magic. And the rest, as they say, is history.

**Warning:** I have my favorite pairings, and you guys probably have yours. Unfortunately, due to the nature of this fic, none of them will probably come into play. However, we do all know that Sasuke is a very pretty man, and that everywhere he goes, he is prone to pairing-type situations happening upon him. Any imaginings are left to the viewer's discretion. Oh and please, I know this is kind of crack, but bear with me for this first part. It kind of sets up the entire story.

Also, I do not own Naruto, never will own Naruto, and do not want to own Naruto. If I did, I would not have screwed it up so badly. No, I am not bitter.

--

**Of Teaching and Kickassery**  
part 1 of some number

--

It was a nice, cheery, sunny day a few hundred miles from Konohagakure. Intelligent, twenty-year-old Sasuke hated nice, cheery, sunny days, because they were in direct contrast to his general disposition. Which was the be all and end all of the world, of course. He much preferred not-nice, un-cheery, un-sunny days, but that's not to say he liked bad, unhappy, cloudy days; in fact, he kind of hated those days too. When your general disposition is to hate whatever the world gives you, it's a bit hard to satisfy.

And so it was, on this nice, cheery, sunny day, Sasuke was busy patrolling the borders on an extremely important, classified S-class mission for Konoha. His re-allegience to Konoha is a long story that will have to be saved for later, because it is full of darkness and suffering and today is a very nice, cheery, and sunny day _not_ full of darkness and suffering. His classified mission was, on a very basic level, to patrol the borders of Fire Country and kick the ass of any suspicious personnel. Unfortunately for most people looking to cross over into Fire Country from that particular section of the forest, everyone looked suspicious to Sasuke, and so therefore, there was a lot of ass kicking being done.

"But please, sir, I'm just a trader on my way back to Konohagakure!"

"Yeah, that's what they all say. What do you take me for, a moron? I'll give you till the count of three. One..."

"But I'm a Konoha citizen!!!"

"KATONSOMESHITORANOTHER."

So, leaving behind a charred crisp of a trader who could barely muster the strength to whisper, "But that was only one...", Sasuke went on his very un-merry way to continue doing his job. It was actually going pretty well, for a boring old S-class mission. (The actual S-class parts were confidential.) Or, rather well until all of a sudden Sasuke heard the undeniable sound of chanting.

In fact, it sounded rather like a choir heading his way. With its own traveling orchestra. And were they chanting in Latin? (Or whatever that language that does not exist in his known universe was called.) Looking this way and that way, Sasuke strained his ears and his eyes trying to locate the source of the sound. Of Music. To the right? To the left? That's strange, he figured it couldn't possibly be that hard to locate a traveling choir and orchestra, especially with all the racket they were making. And in a forest no less. He was a fucking _ninja_, he should be able to locate large bodies of instruments in no time flat! This was unacceptable, and when he found the source, he was gonna katonsomeshitoranother their ass so hard their _ancestors_ would feel it.

Sasuke spent a good 30 seconds looking around him, and generally looking like a fool until he felt a large concentration of chakra heading his way very, very, very quickly and if he was right (and he was _always_ right), then he had approximately zero point two seconds to _get the fuck out of the way_. Which he did promptly, in zero point _one_ seconds, he would like to mention (which he did), and a flaming, burning, giant _fireball_ crashed into the ground before him. "Damn, that's hot," Sasuke muttered to himself, before wondering where the aforementioned flaming ball of fire came from.

"Hm, you're faster than I thought," came a deep and rather sexy voice, and Sasuke turned around to see a tall, absofuckinglutely gorgeous man floating down from the sky. Sasuke thought it was getting rather hot in this forest, and maybe it wasn't just the fireball to blame.

"What the hell was that for, asshole?" Sasuke asked, and nearly gagged in horror. Don't speak to the gorgeous hunk in front of you like that, said Sasuke's socially conscious and rather flamboyantly gay subconscious, before completely and totally subtly checking out the other guy. The guy, who was about as hot as a flaming ball of fire, was tall to an almost ridiculous level, had long, long flowing locks of silver hair, striking green eyes, and the _body of a god_. Also, there was this weird single wing sticking out of his back, but half-angels aside, Sasuke thought he was pretty hot. Man, Sasuke had always been of the mind that _he_ was rather hot, but the new guy beat him hands down. In fact, the new guy was so hot, he had his own _theme music_.

"Fight me," said the Extremely Hot New Guy Whose Name He Did Not Know.

"Excuse me?" Sasuke asked, "I didn't catch that," I was too busy staring at your chest, went unspoken.

"Fight me, or I shall destroy your world," repeated the Extremely Hot New Guy Whose Name He Did Not Know; who will henceforth be known as Sephiroth because who is this author kidding, the readers all know who he is even if Sasuke doesn't. And he is so very hot, yes or yes?

"Those are fighting words!" Sasuke yelled, his not-so-gay conscious winning the "what to say to the hot guy" battle with his subconscious.

Sephiroth just smirked in a "why are all the hot guys I meet either gay, taken, or insane" sort of way, before pulling out a sword so long it _had_ to be compensating for something. "You will live again as part of me," he said cryptically before leaping forward, dramatic latin choir orchestra music playing and all.

"Damn that's a long sword," muttered the moody, un-cheery hero as he avoided each swing, "and what's that supposed to mean? I'd be a part of him any day, hubba-hubba." In any other circumstance, Sasuke would have facepalm-ed himself for acting so out of character, but it should be understood that Sephiroth is extremely hot, and therefore it's really not his fault at all that he's acting so out of sorts.

And so proceeded the sword dance of the angel and the un-cheery hero. Sasuke, despite being all powerful and all awesome, was not, unfortunately, a match for War Hero Sephiroth who had years of experience beyond him (of which he did not know about), and the fight soon came to a crushing end as Sasuke was knocked into a tree, and into another tree, and another tree, and the entire forest fell over like a pile of domino blocks. And as if to add insult to injury, the Extremely Hot New Guy Whose Name Sasuke Did Not Know But Was Kind Of A Destructive And Provocative Asshole With _Theme Music_ flew up into the air (how he could do that with one wing, Sasuke had no idea), raised a hand and began gathering such a huge amount of chakra that Sasuke knew if he didn't get serious he was kind of fucked in every way but the good way.

Sasuke activated his Sharingan in a desperate attempt to turn things around, and watched what the half-angel was doing very carefully: select - magic - meteor - wait for ATB to load

Damn was that a huge fireball.

In fact, it was so huge that it could probably take out the entire forest around him.

Oh shit, thought Sasuke, this is kind of bad.

Still smiling that creepily insane smile, Sephiroth _flashed_ in front of the giant ball of doom and said, "Thank you. Goodbye," before disappearing completely. So completely that the chakra energy that was so all encompassing had vanished.

"What the fuck?" said Sasuke in confusion, before the word "fuck" was all he could say in a mantra. And so he was.

For when Sephiroth vanished from the world in a flash, the Giant Energy Ball of Fuck What Did I Do did not, and Sasuke was directly in its way.

"Well, I have no idea what this does and what's going to happen, but I'll take maybe-not-dying over definitely-dying any day, so here goes." And so with the technique he copied from Mr. I'm Hot But Homicidal, Sasuke vanished too, from this world.

--

Of course, Sasuke didn't know that. He reappeared in a graveyard; a gloomy, cloudy, backyard graveyard. It was a setting entirely befitting his general disposition, but he still hated it because his general disposition was to hate everything. However, he usually preferred to hate everything in his lonesome, and he was decidedly Not Alone.

In fact, there were a whole bunch of people dressed like shadow versions of the Ku Klux Klan (of whom Sasuke does not know about since they don't exist in his world), and they looked rather ridiculous.

"Master, some boy just randomly appeared in the middle of our Death Eater meeting," said one of the masked creeps.

"Yes, I noticed, Wormtail," said what Sasuke assumed was another masked creep. It was kind of hard to tell what with them all dressed alike and him not being able to see their mouths move.

"You know, Master, he's kind of hot."

"Yes, I noticed, Wormtail."

Sasuke grimaced at being called hot by someone referred to as 'Wormtail'. Do not want, what. "Excuse me, I'd appreciate it if you do not speak of me like I'm not here," Sasuke said politely. Standing up and brushing the graveyard dust off his pants.

"I do apologize," said the second voice, "it was indeed incredibly rude of us to speak of you as if you weren't present. When you are. Definitely are. Very present. Very hot and present. You know you're kind of incredibly attractive, and this is coming from me. And I am impeccably handsome. Or, I used to be. Will be. Would you like to hand over your body?"

"Excuse me?" Sasuke asked with a hint of incredulity. Or, more than a hint of incredulity. "Run that by me again?"

"You're hot. I used to be hot. I should be hot. Hand over your body."

Decidedly creeped out, Sasuke backed up and the back of his knees hit a grave stone marker. "Um, sorry Mister...sorry, I didn't catch your name."

"Oh, I'm so very sorry. It's so rude of me not to introduce myself. My name is Mort. Voldemort. I'd show you my face but it's not hot. Yet. Give me your body."

"Well, I'm sorry Mister Mort, but I'm...wait," Sasuke paused as he thought of something, "in what way do you mean, "give me your body"?"

"Oh, not sexually, though you are in fact very hot and I would not otherwise be averse to that idea at all. Not in the slightest. You're hot. Hotter than hot, in fact. I kind of want you. Very hard. In my pants. Well, if I had pants. However, I am in need of a body. Literally. And I would like to be hot, as well. Like you."

Sasuke had a rather enlightened if disturbed expression on his face. "Well, as I said, I do apologize Mister Mort, but I am a bit attached to my body. As in, I kind of live in it. Inhabit it. With my soul. I'd rather not give it up before I uh, die. But I'm flattered you like it enough to offer. Even though it's not for sale, and I feel rather like a prostitute right now." Really, what was it with creepy guys and his body? Man, all this Mort guy needed was a snake and then he'd be perfect.

"Ah, you misunderstand me. I'm not offering anything for your body, I expect you to give it up. I will be forced to take it by force if you are not willing," said Voldemort with a hiss. "My legion of Death Eaters will make it decidedly more painful for you if you do not willingly concede."

Sasuke sighed disparagingly, "Look, Mister Mort, I am flattered by the interest, but- wait your legion of Death...Eaters?"

"Yes, that is what they are called."

"What, do they eat death or something? What is the logic behind this name?"

The voice actually sounded sheepish, almost. If such a pompous, self-inflating voice could sound sheepish. "Well, they're uh, deadly. And they kill things. Also they eat on occasion."

"They eat...death? Like, cannibalism?"

"N-no! That's completely not acceptable and kind of gross. They just, eat. Normal things. Like food."

"I see. So then they are...the Death...Eaters?"

"Yes. It sounded cool."

"I beg to disagree."

Voldemort made a choking sort of noise, and Wormtail said, "There there now, Master, I'm sure he didn't mean it that way. I think it's a cool sounding name too."

"Thank you, Wormtail. But your opinion does not matter to me in the slightest. And yes, it is a cool name."

Sasuke just stared, a little. "In any case, Mister Mort. I am currently disinclined to give you my body because I quite like it and have things I need to do. With it. Now, if you will excuse me," he stood straight and tall-ish (standing at a fantastic height of 172cm, he was afraid he wasn't as tall as he would have liked to be), Sasuke gave the entire group a dazzling half-smile, half-smirk and said, "I have to go now. Goodbye," before taking off at a run. Which, due to his incredible ninja-capabilities, was about as fast as Super Man to the legion of ridiculous men in ridiculous outfits. (Though if one were to think it through, the ridiculous men in ridiculous outfits had probably never heard of Super Man, as it was very Not Cool to them.)

In any case, in a second Sasuke was gone, and Voldemort was left decidedly hot-body-less, and extremely disappointed. "I do wish I had gotten his name," whined the evil overlord.

--

"Where the hell am I?" Sasuke wondered after he'd gotten a good distance away from the graveyard full of Death Eaters (bloody ridiculous name, he thought.) He hadn't exactly had the chance to look around and figure it out when he'd first landed in that graveyard, but he did manage to conclude that the move he'd copied and used was some sort of warp slash transportation technique. Obviously.

After all, the architecture in this city was leagues beyond the architecture in his own and dude, what's that moving vehicle that's moving by itself and hoshit, where the fuck is he? So lost and beyond confused, Sasuke did what a smart, reasonable, and logical ninja would do. He stopped in the middle of the road, ignoring the honks and yells to move the fuck out of the way and hey you're kind of hot want to go out some time, and concentrated hard on the chakra readings of everyone as far as he could reach.

"Weak, weak, weak, hey that one's pretty strong, _ooo_, that one is stronger, hm... I think I will head in that direction." And so off he went, in the direction of some pretty strong chakra readings all clustered around the same general vicinity.

And that was how Albus Dumbledore met Sasuke: when he walked into Hogwarts unannounced in the middle of a pre-term faculty meeting.

Cheerfully and not at all shocked at the uninvited entrance of a complete and total stranger, Albus Dumbledore scintillatingly dismissed the professors, "Why don't you all go off and do something while I talk to my boy here. Go on, shoo." The professors harumphed and did as they were told, and when they had gone, Dumbledore turned back to the rather hot, and far too young for him stranger. "Why hello there, my boy, how are you doing today," sparkled Dumbledore's teeth.

Sasuke just looked at him funny. "Excuse me, but who are you?"

"Ah," twinkled Dumbledore's eyes, "but the question is, _who_ are _you_?"

"_Oh_ no you don't, I asked you first," demanded Sasuke. Oh, he had this game _down_.

"_I_," glistened the old man's glasses, "am Albus Dumbledore, the headmaster of this grand school of Hogwarts, of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

Sasuke hmm-ed skeptically, "...Hogwarts of Witchcraft and Wizardry?"

"Well actually, it's: Hogwarts, _School_ of Witchcraft and Wizardry, but I'd said "school" once already and didn't want to be redundant," the old man's teeth scintillated, "now, I must know, who are you, and how did you manage to gain entrance to this school?"

"Nothing about you seems to want to be redundant," Sasuke muttered under his breath. Louder, he said, "I'm Uchiha Sasuke, and I walked in through the front doors."

"I...see," shimmered the headmaster, "this is most interesting. Most interesting indeed..."

Before the annoyingly coruscating headmaster could get lost in his speculations, Sasuke interrupted, "If I may ask, where exactly in the world am I, how can I get home, and why is everyone wearing a dress?"

"You, my boy, are on the illustrious planet Earth," the old man gleamed patiently. "Upon which you are in the Great country of Britain, and more specifically around the...England-ish area. How did you get here? And these are robes, not dresses. It is standard wizarding dress code to wear robes."

Sasuke tone was flat as he said, "England...ish? Okay, I will accept that. I have never heard of England before. Where on this world is Fire Country?"

"Maybe around volcanoes?" Dumbledore failed to sparkle for the first time as he guffawed at his own admittedly exceptionally in-poor-taste joke. "My apologies, my dear boy, but I have no idea. Are you certain that country is of this world?"

And that's when it hit Sasuke. Of course that's why as soon as Mr. I'm Hot But Homicidal used that teleportation technique his chakra signature completely vanished! Because he'd _teleported from the entire dimension_! Obviously this conclusion would not have come so easily to any other person, but Sasuke is an exceptionally intelligent person, and he'd also been privvy to some very unusual things happening in his mere twenty years of life. "I do believe it's not," he said in the tone of someone who had just realized something very profound, which he had, "I am from a completely different dimension. And I am stuck, in this world. Now, how to get back home... I suppose 3 clicks of my heels will not do the trick."

"Well, if it would help, you are welcome to our extensive library of magic if you please," Dumbledore flashed pleasantly.

"I do appreciate it- wait, magic?"

"Why yes, my dear boy," scintillated the headmaster, "magic. We are a wizarding society, you see, and as such, we use magic."

"Oh, I see," said Sasuke in the tone of a person who has just realized something profound. Or shocking. It was the same expression, anyway. "That makes a whole lot of sense now." Recovering, the ninja nodded at the old man, "Thank you very much, sir. I appreciate the opportunity."

"Also, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, my boy, this does happen to be a school, and for the better part of the year we have a lot of students wandering about. Starting say, next week. And it would be rather awkward if you, a stranger, were to constantly haunt the library or perhaps other parts of the castle during the duration of your stay-"

"I'd hardly _haunt_-"

"-and so I thought perhaps you might want to take on a faculty position in this school. Teaching. A teaching position. In fact, recently a position has become available-"

"Wait, hang on-"

"-as our dear former History of Magic teacher, the very informed Professor Binns has finally decided to retire. Would you, my boy, take that faculty position in stride?"

"Honestly, Mister Dumbledore, but as I said before, I'm not exactly from this world and would hardly have any knowledge of your world's history."

"Why that is no problem at all!" cried the headmaster who had never stopped twinkling as he spoke, "we have extensive historical tomes that you can do research in, and if all else fails, the majority of our students have never opened the History of Magic textbook and probably never will, and so you could easily make it all up and get away with it."

"Fantastic."

And that, you see, is how Uchiha Sasuke became the newest and youngest member of the Hogwarts Faculty.

"Oh, and Headmaster?"

"Do call me Albus, Mister Uchiha."

"Um, yes, Albus. Could you perhaps stop with the coruscating? It's really quite distracting."

Dumbledore just sparkled at him in return.

--

_to be continued-ish_

--

This is kind of completely and totally crack. Also I love it. I haven't written...wow, at all, since _The World_ and then that CCS beginning-of-a-fic two years ago. It was also supposed to be much more serious than it is, but what can I say, it's uh, not. I do so apologize for that. Also, this entire, entire, entire story is hinged on the theory that as the Sharingan's only limit is bloodline limits, it should technically be able to copy materia based abilities and etcetera. You will not debate me on this issue, for this story is crack. _Crack_, I say, and I do not care if it does not, in fact, make sense in canon. Are we clear? Yes, yes we are clear.

Unfortunately, I must leave off here because I have a million assignments I'm obligated to do and this is already so much longer than I expected it would be. Also, sleep calls. As does work, but I think sleep is more important as of the moment.

Yes, this is the title. It is the best I can think of at 4am and I kind of love it. You, shush. But if it makes you feel better, the other options were: This Kind of Sucks, What Is This Faggotry, and Adventures of a Flamboyantly Gay Protagonist.

Send love if there is love to send! (Dude, wtf FFnet with your wierdass new posting system.)


	2. Chapter 2

**Note:** My apologies for the relative lack of Flamboyantly Gay Sasuke in this chapter. I know he's funny, but this chapter serves more as a set-up chapter and will explain several things that the rest of the story will be based upon. Plus, there isn't anyone for Sasuke to be Flamboyantly Gay with at the moment, so we will see! Also, I've taken the entire magical blood understanding of the Harry Potter universe and _flushed it down the toilet_. I'm almost proud of my theory. Almost.

--

**Of Teaching and Kickassery**  
part 2 of some number

--

Sasuke was an extremely intelligent young man. Twenty years old, talented, and _fucking gorgeous_, Sasuke had a brain to match the rest of his sheer awesomeness and he was putting it to good use trying to figure out just what the fuck he was going to do about his...situation.

"So, just to get things straight," Sasuke said to himself that night as he sat on the nice, king-sized bed in the nice, generous room provided to him by the school for being a faculty member, "I am stuck in a completely different dimension and logically should not be using that technique to hopefully but not probably send me back to Konoha, because given that it transports _between dimensions_, I could end up _anywhere_. And given that I'm in a different dimension _at all_, there could be _countless ones_ out there and I really don't need to be world hopping for an eternity. Also, I should possibly do some research about this world. I mean, magic? In what way do they mean they can use, "magic"?"

Flopping onto his back on the Wow This Is Really Comfortable bed, Sasuke looked up at the ceiling and Pondered Deep Thoughts for a little while; deep thoughts of which we are not privy to. What to do, what to do he thought? What to do about this situation? He'd already checked out the school (and found about 3 different hidden passageways that weren't as well hidden as the creator might have thought they were), as well as had an extremely awkward meeting with the rest of the faculty. (A meeting which mostly consisted of blank stares and long silences after the initial introduction. A modest guess placed Sasuke at least 15 years the junior of the youngest-looking staff member, and that was a _modest_ guess.)

Pretty much all he had left to do was get started on research and plan out a teaching schedule for the next week. But as it was late and he had had a long day, Sasuke decided the smartest thing to do was to get some well deserved rest and do everything tomorrow. Besides, the bed was so very comfortable and he didn't really want to move. Procrastination, he has it. (But don't let him hear that, or he'll fireball your ass.)

--

Sasuke, despite being disconcerted about his new environment and living conditions, had the presence of mind to keep any experiments to _outside_ castle walls. Early the next morning he caught a few minutes for breakfast in the great hall by himself. He was by himself because the hour was _so_ early in the morning that it should have still been night. The _birds_ weren't awake yet, and he was getting breakfast. However, he had things to do and couldn't waste that time on sleep (even though sleeping in that nice, large bed had been so very nice compared to what he usually slept in (mostly trees.))

Having come to the realization that knowing nothing about the world he was in meant that he...knew nothing about the world he was in, Sasuke decided that the first thing he needed to do was figure out the most basic differences between his world and this new one. For clarity in his own mind, Sasuke decided to refer to his dimension as Konoha, and this new one as Britain. That being said and done, (or rather, thought and done,) and now being outside the castle walls and in a large, open field, Sasuke did what any reasonable and logical ninja would do: he blew a fireball at the closest tree.

He knew the tree would catch on fire since he threw a _fire_ball, the tree was made of wood, and the natural reaction of wood after coming into contact with fire is to well, burn. But the fireball he blew was purposely a small fireball; as small as he could manage what with his general preference for large, fiery explosions. What surprised him, however, was that that was exactly what he got: a large, fiery explosion.

"Well, that was not what I expected," Sasuke commented calmly as he watched the fire spread to the rest of the area and head in the direction of the forest. Sasuke was contemplating the best possible way to put out the fire (and telling himself that the best way to put out the fire would NOT be by blowing another fireball at it) when it all extinguished at once and he turned around to see one of the faculty stalking out of the castle with her ...pointy stick raised and an extremely unhappy expression on her face. After thinking a bit, Sasuke remembered she was named...Minerva? If he recalled correctly, which he always did thank you very much, she was the head of the lion house and resident Bitchy McBitchbitch.

"_What_, may I ask, _Professor_ Uchiha, are you doing?" screeched the old woman as soon as she was close enough to the younger man; she practically spat out the word 'professor', as if it pained her to refer to him as such.

Sasuke shrugged, "Testing things out."

"And _what_, may I ask, were you testing out, Professor Uchiha?" said Minerva McGonagall in a strained sort of voice.

"Fire," came the short reply.

"Well _obviously_!" Minerva snapped at him, her fingers itching to wrap around the pale and slender throat of her co-worker and choke the life out of him. She didn't though, because she was a very high-class and refined old lady. And also because there are spells for that sort of thing.

The black-haired man just sighed, "If it's so obvious, then why did you ask?"

Minerva very nearly slammed her palm into her forehead.

"Please refrain from testing your fire out on school grounds in the future, Professor. And if you absolutely cannot resist, please do it when there are people around to clean up the messes you make instead of at this ungodly hour of _three in the morning._."

"Yes, Ma'am," came the sardonic reply. As the older woman turned around in a dramatic sweep of her night robes and stalked off in the direction of the castle, Sasuke gave a mocking half-bow and a sweep of his arm. "My thanks for putting out the fire, my lady," he said before turning to look at the charred area of damage before him. "Now, to figure out why you did what you did..."

--

Over the course of the next uh, day, Sasuke tested out a variety of experiments that all resulted in the destruction of school property in some way or another. However, he realized one very important thing while reading in the library and listening to the discussions of his fellow staff members. What they considered magic was, at its essence, the same as his chakra. However, his peers required the use of a pointy stick (a wand, they called it; all euphemisms aside) in order to utilize their chakra, while he did not. The difference that made seemed to manifest in the sheer amount of power that could be released. Minerva's spell equivalent of his katon technique (which he'd discretely Sharingan'd upon viewing) was far less explosive, but wasn't any more controlled. He initially thought that the power difference was because the lack of a medium called upon the raw energy of his life, but later he thought it went further than that and he theorized that perhaps the medium absorbed a large portion of the impact and what passed through was a much more diluted version of the power that should originally have gone into the spell.

The dilution might have been, he rationalized, because the wands themselves did not conduct energy very well. No matter how good the wood, it was still wood and the molecular construction of the wood just didn't allow for containing energy of any sort very effectively and much of the power would escape before it could be channeled through the other end.

Upon this realization, Sasuke did exactly what would be expected of him: he went to Dumbledore and said, "Albus, I need a wand."

"Of course, my dear boy," twinkled the headmaster, "And I believe that is not all that you will need. Tomorrow, either I or another professor will go with you to Diagon Alley and help you find the necessary supplies. Do you have any money?"

Sasuke shook his head, "I have a some ryu on me, but something tells me that this world uses a different currency."

Dumbledore just sparkled back at him, "That is no problem, my boy! I will be happy to support you financially while you are here. I had assumed you wouldn't carry our currency, and have planned accordingly."

"Thank you, Albus," Sasuke replied, wincing as the old man's teeth flashed in his eyes. "I appreciate your assistance in my time of...need," he choked out the last word as if it had gone down the wrong pipe. Oh, how Sasuke hated asking for help or admitting that he needed it.

Having determined the primary difference and similarity between magic in Britain and chakra in Konoha, as well has having secured himself a trip to get a wand and other necessities the next day, Sasuke decided to spend the rest of his day figuring out the other basic information he'd need to properly survive in this world. After he'd acquired the wand, he would begin practicing this Britain version of magic, as well as test this new extension of abilities on his Sharingan. That decided, Sasuke had a few questions to ask about dimension hopping, and who to ask but the natural dimension hoppers?

Manda would have garnered unwanted attention, and so the snake he decided to summon was much smaller. Much, much smaller. But then again, every snake was small compared to Manda. This snake was a 94cm tokarahabu named Tokara (Sasuke had never been very imaginative with his names), and due to the circumstances in which Sasuke acquired her (which involved Sasuke being allowed to name the creature; hence the unimaginative name), was also one of his most loyal.

"You called, Master?" hissed the snake, dropping out of the air to loop around Sasuke's shoulders in a comfortable fashion.

Sasuke reached up to stroke her head lightly. "Thank you for coming, Tokara," he murmured quietly, "I was almost afraid you wouldn't be able to respond to my summon."

"You are not in the same world, Master," replied Tokara, shifting and slithering over her master's form. "I have not been to this one before."

"I summoned you to test my theory, and if my theory was correct, for you to answer a few questions of mine."

"Ask away, Master."

"Summoning is not limited by dimensional space, is it? I wouldn't have been able to summon you here if it was, am I right?"

"You know it isn't, Master. We demon summons exist in a world entirely different from your own. As a result, the ability to summon us at all is possible from any dimension you might find yourself in as long as the summoner has a contract with us."

Sasuke nodded absently while stroking the snake's body. "I see. If you're capable of returning on your own to your own dimension, is it possible for you to return me to mine?"

Tokara shook her head, "No, Master. Only the most powerful summons have the capability to world hop of their own volition, and even then it takes a large sacrifice of some sort. The only inter-dimensional transport ability we have is to return to our own world from whatever world we were summoned from. Our appearance in the other world depends entirely on a summoner to form a support and base to transport to."

"Thank you very much, Tokara," Sasuke said, smiling at the serpent. "I'm afraid I don't have a treat for you, but if you're careful, feel free to go find yourself a meal."

"You're welcome, Master." Nodding her head, the snake slithered off her master's shoulders and dropped to the ground with a soft thump before slithering off silent in the direction of the forest.

--

Diagon Alley was an extremely unlikeable place, Sasuke decided the next day as he walked down the busy cobblestone road and ignored the stares his strange outfit (it was standard jounin uniform, thank you very much) begot. His shopping companion did not seem any happier to be walking down the streets with him though, so at least he wasn't alone in his unhappiness.

In fact, Severus Snape was extremely unhappy to be shopping with the newest (and extremely good looking) professor. He was more than extremely unhappy; he was only ever this unhappy whenever he thought of a certain green-eyed, scar-headed boy's father. Why did he have to go shopping with the new professor? Albus _knew_ he hated to shop, and much less with company. He already didn't like the idea that some random punk of a kid had waltzed into the school unannounced and that the headmaster was crazy enough to _hire_ the kid.

Plus, there was something about the new professor that gave him the chills. It had been explained to the other teachers that he wasn't from this dimension, and he'd be staying in the school while he tried to find a way to return home, but there was just a feeling in the back of Severus's mind. A feeling that told him that this kid was very powerful, and very dangerous, (and very good looking), and would probably drive him up a wall if he kept up the attitude.

"Albus left me a list of things you apparently have need of. A wand and some clothing, I believe."

Sasuke nodded, and replied, "But I refuse to wear a dress."

"They're robes! Not dresses! What are you, _twelve_?"

"I don't care what they're called; they look ridiculous and I refuse to be seen in such unflattering outfits." Luckily for Sasuke's fashion mentality, his subconscious had forced the sordid affairs with the full body condom and hip bow outfits of his youth out of his memory or the hypocrisy of his statement would have been too much to handle.

Severus nearly threw up his hands in exasperation, but managed to calm himself and say with relative calm, "Let's just go get you your wand first. That's the most important item on this list," before setting a brisk pace in the direction of Ollivanders.

Sasuke quickly realized during his time with Snape that he got along with the man about as well as he got along with anyone else; that is, not at all. He was snide, sarcastic, and _mean_, (kind of like Sasuke himself, if the younger man bothered to think it through) but the plus side was that he talked about as much as Sasuke did, which was not very much. As long as neither one opened their mouths to start a conversation, the two men might possibly get along and start a beautiful friendship. Er, aquaintance-ship.

The wand shop, "Ollivanders: Makers of Fine Wands since 382BC", was a quaint and quiet shop, though not by any means a small shop. Ollivanders, Sasuke presumed, was the older man sitting at the welcome desk, poring over a heavy tome of some sort while fiddling with his glasses. It all fit the homely image the shop presented, Sasuke noticed as he and Snape walked into the shop. "Welcome, my dear boy; Sasuke, was it? Albus told me you were on your way to visit, today!"

"...ORLY."

"YARLY, I even had some wands prepared for your visit," the wand maker responded cheerfully, "Oh come now, don't be shy, step closer to the table and hold out your wand arm."

"My what arm?"

Severus nobly refrained from slapping the young man upside his duck posterior shaped head and instead settled for saying, "Your primary arm; the hand you use to write with, wank with, eat with, etcetera."

Sasuke nodded and walked up to the desk before holding his right hand out over it, "I'm fine with both, but I favor my right," he said.

"That is fine, the hand you use doesn't really matter in the end, it's just for convenience," explained Ollivander as he pulled a long box out of a shelf and opened it to reveal a smooth and polished wooden stick. "Here, try this one. Eight inches, unicorn hair, olive wood."

--

"You have got to figure out a more efficient way of doing this," Sasuke muttered to himself as the stack of unwanted wands got higher and higher. "I mean, how do you deal with all the students needing new wands if it takes this long for every person?"

"Usually they find theirs in one or two wands, maybe three if their magic is particularly stubborn. I rarely have to deal with magic of the exceedingly difficult and picky type," Ollivander said with a sigh before heading back to the storage area in search of yet another wand that might be suitable for the young man waiting impatiently at the front of the room.

It was still several boxes of wands later before they finally found it. Ollivander would have liked to romanticize the final discovery, with beautiful lights and the sound of music, but it was more like sighs of relief from all around as it was the first wand to touch Sasuke's fingers without trying to spontaneously combust in some way or another.

Sasuke twirled the wooden stick around in his fingers while scrutinizing it carefully, "So, am I done finally?"

Ollivander nodded, "Yes; twelve inches, sturdy and made of Agarwood with a core of basilisk fang. A fine wand, if I do say so myself. Why, I do believe-"

"Thank you very much, Mr. Ollivander," interjected Severus before the kindly old man could launch into the life history of that particular wand, "but we've spent far too long already and there are other things we need to get done, I'm afraid. Thank you so much for your time; how much will that wand be?"

"Oh, it's fine, Severus. Albus does not ask me for favors very often; please take this wand, free of charge, my boy," said the wand maker cheerfully.

Severus eyed him wrly, "Are you certain? Albus fully intended on paying for it, if the pouch of money he handed me this morning is any indication."

"No, no, Severus, I couldn't possibly charge my good friend Albus Dumbledore. Now, go one boys and get the other items on your list of things to do finished! And have a very good day!"

And so the two men set off, this time on a search for clothes that Sasuke would agree to wear. "We need to get you some wizarding robes now," Severus said as they walked down the streets of Diagon Alley in the direction of "Madam Milken's Robes for All Occasions".

"No, I already told you, Snape, I refuse to dress in such an abhorrent fashion," Sasuke said in annoyance.

"And what are you going to wear if not wizarding robes? _Muggle_ clothing? HA, don't make me laugh!"

"What, no- wait," Sasuke paused before asking, "what the hell is a muggle?"

Severus slapped a hand to his forehead and slid it down his face as he tried to get his impatience under control, "A muggle is someone who has no magical blood."

"That's a bloody ridiculous- wait, that can't be right. Everyone has magic in this world."

"No, you're wrong," Severus corrected with grit teeth, "Not everyone can use magic in this world because not everyone has magical blood."

"No, _you're_ wrong," argued the younger man, "From what I've determined, the magic in your world isn't based on your blood at all. It's based on your life force, which everyone on this planet possesses. Only some of you have enough life force to sustain your life as well as utilize it for your every day convenience."

Severus paused in his rebuttal at this explanation, and thought for a bit. "I will have to have a more in depth discussion with you about this at a later point, Uchiha. Right now though, we need to somehow purchase some clothing that you will actually wear."

"No robes."

"Fine, no robes."

They'd ended up going to Muggle London for Sasuke's clothes. Albus must have predicted that Sasuke was going to be a bitch about wizarding clothing, and when he'd handed Severus the pouch full of galleons, sickles, and knuts, he'd also handed over a platinum credit card with a twinkle in his eye.

So, saved of a trip to Gringotts, the two had gone to Muggle Lundon where Sasuke took his sweet time choosing what he wanted; shopping was never his thing but if he was going to buy clothes, he didn't want it to be something he wouldn't be caught dead in. (In the end though, Severus wondered whether the other man didn't have some issues he needed to sort out in his sense of fashion. Uchiha had a flair for dramatics just as he did, and if he was going to get something that flared out as much as it did, he might as well have gone for the robes anyway.)

"Back already?" asked Minerva sarcastically as the two of them trudged back into the school later on that evening just in time for dinner.

Sasuke shrugged, "Finding a wand took a little longer than expected, so what?"

--

New wand in hand and armed with a novice spell book, the next day Sasuke went about learning spells. He acquired the assistance of an eager Filius Flitwick to demonstrate spells out of the book, and promptly copied them using his Sharingan. He found that like the ninjutsu he practiced, the spells performed had specific wand movements and voice influxes to maximize the effect of the spell. He also found that when performing the spells himself, the wand he used did in fact act as a dilutor and his spells were severely weakened when channeled through the wand. Privately (and outside), he tested out the spells without using the wand, and found that it was far more difficult to control, but the power was increased at least ten-fold.

Aside from the power difference, Sasuke noticed immediately that while Flitwick could perform all the spells Sasuke asked him to, he excelled primarily in the charms department whereas his transfiguration techniques (after finishing the novice spell book, they'd moved onto more advanced areas of spell work) were severely lacking. He took this concern to Albus, who extended a gracious offer for him to sit in on the classes he was most interested in whenever he himself was not teaching if he so wished. Being Not Stupid, Sasuke immediately accepted the offer and thanked the old man accordingly.

The rest of his week was spent reading and researching the world he was in and the use of magic. Severus had not forgotten their conversation in Diagon Alley, and the two arranged to speak at it in length at a later period, as both were finalizing preparations for classes that would begin that following week, and for the students that would be arriving that weekend. Sasuke, in the mean time, decided that as he had the go ahead from the headmaster to teach whatever he felt like teaching, and make things up if he had to, that he'd instruct the new students his own way. Having read the textbook, "Hogwarts: A History", he decided that if anything was going to make a person hate history, it was that textbook, and promptly discarded all ideas of teaching out of it.

"If I'm going to teach bullshit," he thought to himself, "I'm going to teach interesting bullshit."

And the next day, he met Harry Potter.

--

_to be continued-ish_

--

Oh man, I wanted to get the sorting, and the new teacher introduction, and the Triwizard Tournament (did I ever mention that this takes place during 4th year? Well, now I have.), and _tons of other stuff_, but this ended up being a lot longer than I expected it would be so I have to cut it short (mostly because again I have assignments that I am obligated to do). Next chapter definitely, though! Also, I am so sorry for all the exposition. I really tried to throw in some jokes here and there, but I had to get my explanations in somehow. Oh, I do hope it's not as info-dumpy as it feels.

Again, please do not take out the can(n)on fire when it comes to how the Sharingan works. I'm well aware that it's simply an eye technique that maximizes hypnotism and careful observation, but I've simplified it and this story is entirely based on the idea that its only limit is kekkai jutsu and taijutsu. Question it and the entire story goes poof, and as this story is _crack_ (CRACK I SAY), taking it seriously is _missing the point_.

Though, it's kind of funny how seriously I take the jokes I put in. "Is it kicking a dead horse if I keep referring to katon: goukakyu no jutsu as katonsomeshitoranother? I mean, I know it's funny, but if I overuse it...", etc. Jokes are srsbsns kay?

In any case, send love if there is love to send! Reviews make the world go round, and all that. Also, they occasionally spur me to write more faster, though unfortunately that ultimately is decided by how much work I have to do. But you can make me feel guilty so that when I finally get a chance I'll come back to write it? HOHOHO, WORK THE SYSTEM HERE.


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